I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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