i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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