Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
