I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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