Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
