Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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