Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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