Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
