I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
