i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize