biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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