Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
