why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
