I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
