Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
