i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
