Already got asked if we're dating
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
