I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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