ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize