wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
