I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
