dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
