I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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