I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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