My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
