You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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