He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
These tits shall not be calmed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
