I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
