He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
