when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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