Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize