I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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