i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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