No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
