I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
