Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Too much gin, very little bucket
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
