dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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