sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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