I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
