just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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