Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
