and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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