I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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