just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
