hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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