I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
