I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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