Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
