i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
