y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
