I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
