his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
