You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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