just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
