God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
