He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
