o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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