Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
