What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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