Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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